my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
