if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
