The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
