I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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