puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Randomize
