I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
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i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
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Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
please don't ironically join a cult
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