So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
