this beer tastes like vomit already
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
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