this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
