I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
