Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
