Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
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