I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
how does that bad decision feel?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
