I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
