I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
