I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
my being single is dangerous.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
