You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
