never play flip cup with pint glasses
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
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