We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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