I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
We are all done wearing pants today
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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