Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
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