I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
