I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
