How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
