my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Randomize
