my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
