My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
