Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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