I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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