Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
