so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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