I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
