remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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