She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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