We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
