The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
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We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
You may now shotgun with the bride
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
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But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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