Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
