Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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