Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....