I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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