The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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