you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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