life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
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Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
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I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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