What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
