I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
