I wish my penis had an off switch
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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