i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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