Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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