if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
