don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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