I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I intend to get homeless drunk
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
