What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
