around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
there is glitter all over my balls
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
