I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
