I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
