Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
You are a genius and a whore.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
