proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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