need another drink. this is the easiest way
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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