so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
