You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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