Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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