was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
