remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
he fucked my hip out of place.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
